My epiphany occurred when Josh passed out in the chemo treatment room. I realized I was going to be ok looking down at my motionless 210 lb son on the floor in front of me. It jolted me out of my self-pity. The doctor said “the chances for survival are 96% for breast cancer, when it’s caught in time”. I didn’t really hear him, but then he also said that “we often don’t hear anything else after the C word”. He was right, fortunately I took a friend with me to everything, every visit, every treatment, every surgery…she took notes and reiterated everything to me afterwards. Still, I was a victim until that moment in chemo. I was constantly saying to myself, and probably everyone else, “why me”? When I fully realized I was going to be ok, I also realized that I had far more power to control things in my life. Thanks to the entire emergency that ensued when Josh passed out and stopped breathing at my feet…on the floor of the treatment room in the hospital.
Until then, when I was practicing the “white light” meditation my friend Hobbs had taught me, I wasn’t going past the initial visualization of being filled with the white light. It was good and helped me heal, but I didn’t know there was more. I kept doing it, and one afternoon at my friends’ house in the bay area, during radiation treatments, I went deep. I had no idea meditation was anything like the experience I had that afternoon. I was on the bed as usual, with a pillow under my legs and several under my head; I called it my “in the hand of god” position. I literally felt like I was “in the hand of god” when I meditated. I’m not religious, but I am spiritual and I felt like being “in the hand of god” was somehow a good place to be when one is tuning into the universe for healing and understanding more about life.
As I did my usual breathing and visualizing…I gave permission to the little voice/chatter in my mind to come back later. This permission must be done in a loving way, never get irritated or it will pull you fully out of meditation. Give yourself loving permission and it works. The voice disappeared and I went into a space of quiet between the chatter. As I breathed in and out slowly, calmly…I felt lighter, glancing at my legs and feet I began rising out of my body, looking down on myself. I thought I was awake…but I was still in the meditation. My body was composed of millions of crystals, sparkling with a million different luminescent colors. I was in awe of the moment and at the same time I was completely comfortable being all crystals, as though I was looking at my true self.
In pieces, my body slowly began to disappear. Curiously…I looked up, I could see the crystals rising up and becoming part of the room, then going past the room and becoming part of the space outside the house, the trees and roof were visible. Then I began moving past the house and into the sky. Slowly the sky began to darken as I got higher and higher, I was becoming a part of everything….even space, deep blue space. I felt euphoria unlike anything I could put into words. I was completely in control of the experience and knew I could come back any time I liked. I was experiencing the existence of literally everything, a deep truth of who I am, who we all are. There was no time, no separation, just a hum or vibration of life. I have no idea how long I was in that state. When I came gently back into the room and into my body, I felt more rested than I have in years. I remembered every detail…and I knew I could go back there whenever I wanted. Meditation became easier after that, I knew where I was going. And if I chose…I could go deep.